December 31, 2008.

Death is cuming.

Rating: 4
Well, that's just not fair.
When you're driving down the road, the last thing on your mind is picking up a hitchhiker. But then you realize the person is of the female variety. So next, any red-blooded male instinctively checks to see how cute she is. Uh-oh, she's sizzlin-fajita hot. Plus, she's bearing some plump juicy cleavage? AND she has a friend that's a boiling over beaut?!?! Fahhhgettaboutit, that's game over.

Soooo, back to their place(30 seconds down the road). You wanna talk about some sexual pressure. The irresistable Fran practically begs you for the high hard one. She even has the decency to ride you reverse cowgirl style(one of my top 80 favorite positions). But you better hit that sweet spot, or she'll be munching (I'm not referring to carpet).

This is just an awesomely erotic and grotesque landmark cult classick. Only from the 70's. Watch these gorgeous bisexual vamps romp and suck during their nightly bloodlust orgies. Highly recommended for the fellas. 4.5 stars.

December 18, 2008.

People in a Caravan are the Heroes of THIS Film.

Rating: 5
You can't help laughing when you see a big dumb spotter completely ignoring the age-old rule; never pick up hitch-hikers - especially when it's dusk, there's two of them, and they're only 100 yards from where they live. It'll end in tears...
Employing the tried and tested trick of ugly-one-hides-in-the-bushes-while-fit-one-flashes-thigh-at-horny-motorist(only in this case, there is no ugly one) the two thirsty sirens of Joseph Larraz' pleasingly notorious 'Vampyres' enjoy an enviable success rate among the sideburn fizzogged wallies in their Lionels and bling. Luring them with innuendo to the trusty mansion house, there to suck the life-blood (and everything else!) out of them during delirious, hysterical orgies. This pair make Caligula look coy - naked in seconds, frantic panting nymphs on a sanguinary frenzied night-ride, cutting a swathe through any stereotype 70's blockheads that come their way - and it's hard to be critical. Two beauties swirling down a dim country lane, winking, heaving cleavage, diaphanous frocks. Thick bozo with torque for a brain, and ludicrous hair and collars; yeah, they're gonna want YOU plant-pot - nothing suspicious here at all. You just know these guys are deserving every-thing they get - and they get plenty. You wonder who does the girlies laundry - they'll also be getting plenty - of overtime.
'Vampyres' works it's low-budget suzzies off to be disturbing and disgusting. Some of the vigorous bedroom stuff is wince-inducing; soft-core lashing and thrashing inevitably leading to hardcore slashing and splashing, but you can't help feeling the fun. Larraz is a no-frills film director, he simply gets it out and points it - and you just know you've got to look as 90 minutes solid of bods, bumps and bubbling blood unfold before you. It's a Stygian concept - a Spanish director making a British film - and he seems to grasp the moist perversity of the situation and stuff his film with it. He's got two gorgeous leads, mounds of unfettered heaving flesh and barrels of sexy, alluring O and A Positive - the guys a genius.
It all goes a bit pear-shaped when one of our succubine heroines falls in love with one of her victims, and there's unwanted involvement by some interfering trailer-trash,(and THAT'S how perverse Larraz is - people in a caravan are the heroes of this film!) but by then we're ready for the respite. There's just time to observe a pretentious wine expert get corked, followed by a nicely balanced plot-twist before we're stumbling over the slightly off-beat finishing line.
The wine-snob murder is great, I half expected my unrequiteds to swish him round their mouths, make grand exclamations about a hint of hundreds and thousands or a suggestion of recently unloaded banana, before spitting him out on the floor. Perhaps it got lost in cutting.....
Make sure you get the DVD with the Larraz commentary - I usually avoid 'extras' like bruised haemorrhoids, but he's amusing, fascinating and he swears like a docker.

December 24, 2008.

Great Film, Great Qaulity, Great Extras!.

Rating: 5
A very entertaining film nicely remastered and uncut. An enjoyable commentary by the director and a very nice interview with the two leads.

December 13, 2008.

Very Gory, Erotic, and interesting.

Rating: 4
A very interesting blend of erotic sex, and gothic elements, including extreme violence. Vampyres is a beautiful film about two hungry Bisexual women, lusting for young men's blood. A must see.

December 09, 2008.

One of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Rating: 1
This movie is horrible. It isn't scary. The script is awful. The music is terrible. I strongly urge everyone who reads this review, DO NOT waste your time or your money watching this. It's a complete waste of eighty-six minutes.